Thursday, March 22, 2012

Peer critique for Brenda Mendez


Yajing Zhang

Peer critique for Brenda Mendez

Voice/Tone

Obviously, your voice is really show in this article. It is strong though. After I read ,I can see your voice and your wishes. I also can feel you sensation about how poverty makes people more torture. Because you went the homeless shelter before, so that's why you can know their life.

Audience:

The audience is very widely around. This essay is for everyone who concerned and care about these invisible people. The audience who want help these people to be visible.

Evidence:

Actually, it is very good to explain your own feeling, but I think is too much things from yourself. Maybe you should add more examples to your essay in order to make your feeling more strong. Like, maybe you can tell some story about homeless people. Also, I think you should add some sources to support your opinions. The requirement is must have four-five outside sources.

Meaning:

It is really make sense I think, the point is you write your own feeling very deeply. After I read, I can think something about your essay, to make me very moved about what you said in the essay.

Structure:

The structure is good, but I think you should work on your thesis statement. You can make your thesis statement more accurate . It is very good that you didn't forgot " How space defines people." You wrote a lot about how space defines people, that is very impressive. In addition, the requirement is 1200 words, I think you should write more about your homeless shelter experiences

Organization:

The essay is well-organized , but make sure that make it clear to let readers know body paragraphs. The body paragraphs is kind of fall apart. Write more about what is bad side and what is good side.

Overall thought:

Overall, your essay has emotion I think, because it makes me impressive after I read it. I cannot forget what your feeling about poverty. I think you should focus more on homeless people, write more about them, like, to describe them dresses and their feeling.

Peer critique for Cindy Delarosa


Yajing Zhang

Peer critique for Cindy Delarosa

Voice/Tone

I can see your voice in your article, but it is not that strong. You have to make your article more stronger and make readers agree with you. It seems that you explain your opinion more than facts, so you might write more to proof your voice in order to let your essay more powerful.

Audience:

The audience is for everyone around the world who want to take care of invisible children. The article is for children who went through this injured.

 Evidence:

You have to provide more facts to show how bad the situation in Uganda. Also, you should talk more background about this event- KONY 2012. I think readers might want to know what kinds of things do Uganda children have been through. How does Kony forces children? What cruel things does Kony did? How can these children become children solider? SO, provide more evidence to make readers believe.

Meaning:

This article is meaningful, but I think it should be more impressive. After I read, I thought you should write something that really moved.

 Structure:

The basic structure is good, but the requirement is 1200 words. I think you should improve your details in order to reach the requirement. In addition, this essay doesn't have any sources. The requirement is this essay must utilize four-five outside sources. So, find some sources to support your essay.

Organization:

The essay is well-organized. There has a really good point is you related to a novel called << Invisible Man>>. Making these two together is really creative.  

Overall thought:

Overall, this is an exploratory essay that needs more details to provide. Also, make sure that you provide more background information. You did a great job to show how does space define the occupant.

Child Soldiers, the Invisible Children (Rough draft)


Yajing Zhang

Professor Broadous

PAS 114B

March 19, 2012

Child Soldiers, the Invisible Children

              If a child goes missing in the United States, the police are notified and then issue an Amber Alert. Radio stations begin broadcasting descriptions, while TV stations flash pictures of the abducted. Billboards along roads flash important information regarding the abduction. The police move out with helicopters and cars, and the Army National Guard may even be called in.  Everything is put into operation to bring a child home to its family. Meanwhile, they go after the abductor to put him or her behind bars, so he or she cannot harm any other child. In contrast, in another part of the world, 30,000 children have been abducted in the past 18 years in Uganda.  Many families have lost at least one child, or their villages have been attacked and destroyed by an army of abducted children known as The Lord’s Resistance Army (Beah). Children there live in fear of being recruited, and after serving their time, they are psychologically traumatized. In addition, they are more likely to be killed because of the war. Thus, the use of child soldiers in Uganda destroys the children's childhoods and future.

              This situation is first caused by the Ugandan government. The corrupt Amin government in Uganda directly led his opposition’s abduction and exploitation of child soldiers. The Ugandan government ran mostly by Idi Amin fell into such a deep financial crisis that when other countries would send in food and money, the government would not spread its wealth to the country’s population(Brown). Instead the outside aid that was given only made the corrupt government even stronger. Idi Amin was known to be corrupt and incapable of maintaining a successful economy. He bribed all of his men with luxury items such as alcohol and expensive gifts without sharing the rest of his wealth with his people (Briggs, 70). Idi Amin was known for taking money from public projects and giving it to his military commanders. In an act of racism, Idi Amin ordered 50,000 Asian shop owners to be expelled from Uganda. Factories and businesses crumbled and Idi Amin's arms trafficking industry collapsed( Beah). Britain, America, and Israel started to support Amin by giving military training for Ugandan troops so that they could stabilize the region. The international community ignored the previous acts of his military repression, thinking that Amin could bring peace and Democracy to Uganda (Beah). Instead, Idi Amin used the military training the Western forces provided to enforce his total control over Uganda and take over the northern Acholi tribes which he thought were planning to overthrow him. (Brown). Therefore, this caused many Ugandans to rebel. It first started out as peaceful protest, but as matters, got worse the protests only became deadlier. Soon leaders from tribes like Joseph Kony started to form rebel groups trying to overthrow the government. After several failed attempts, Kony and his people began to get more desperate so they resorted to the use of child soldiers (Briggs, 89). At first the government believed that the use of child soldiers would not be a problem, but as Kony and the Lord's Resistance Army (LRA) became more and more powerful the government only became weaker and weaker (Beah).

              Ugandan Children live in fear of being recruited. The families have to live their lives as nomads because of their constant fear that the rebels might raid their villages. Each night in northern Uganda, tens of thousands of terrified children leave their villages at dusk and walk into neighboring towns to avoid being kidnapped by the Lord's Resistance Army (Briggs, 74). Loving parents reluctantly send their children away every night. (Browne). They seek refuge overnight in churches, hospitals, bus stations and temporary shelters. Early the following morning, children have to walk miles in order to head home or go to school. Almost every family in the Acholi and Lango areas has been affected. Meanwhile children in Gulu and Lira cannot even be reached by aid workers for basic health care because they fear being attacked by the LRA (Beah, 47).

              Those children are lucky in some ways because they sleep away from the rebels. Once they are recruited by the rebels, they will never be the same again. Child soldiers live short lives because their exposure to war increases their chances of getting killed. "Children ten years old are taught to kill, often beginning with their own families. Other child soldiers are killed while others are commanded to kill in order to stay alive" (Beah, 3). The countryside is virtually empty from people having moved into "safe" villages that are supposed to be protected by the government which does not always happen. People are not able to leave their homes without having to fear the rebels. Commerce has vanished, villages have been burned down, and children grow up without a future. This conflict has been going on for 18 years with no solution in sight. This war is extremely brutal because Joseph Kony’s army recruits young boys by abducting them from villages and schools of northern Uganda. Kony’s older child recruits assault and force newly recruited child soldiers to commit atrocities on fellow abductees and even siblings (Beah,  36). Thousands of children have been robbed of their childhood. At night, the children of the north flee into towns to sleep, fearing that they might be abducted. When the LRA commanders run out of weapons or food, they send their child soldiers to raid nearby villages and are told to leave no survivors. Often before raids, the children receive drugs to numb their pain. While the child soldiers fight, the LRA leaders just watch because they feel their lives are far more valuable than any of the children’s. The army abducts children and put them in the front lines of its army, ordering them to return to their villages and kill their neighbors, friends and parents (Browne). If they are lucky enough to survive, the children return to their communities with injuries and severe trauma. Although many may believe that Ugandans would still be struggling even if there weren’t a civil war the terror brought by the Lord’s Resistance Army has had the most devastating psychological effect on Uganda’s people (Briggs, 65).

              The exploitation of child soldiers by the rebels is a never-ending story of children being abducted and killed (Beah). Young children are ripped away from their families and turned into killing machines. Uganda’s children are being forced to kill instead of enjoying a normal childhood of laughter and dreams. While this is happening, the corrupt government continues to spend the financial aid it receives from other countries only on its officials. In northern Uganda, there is no Amber alert, no police or help, only the silence of another town or school being raided while children are taken (Brown). Is there a solution? This is what thousands of innocent Ugandans ask themselves everyday. Solutions that propose to minimize the violence in Uganda range from military options to peaceful movements (Beah). Although none of them have yet ended the use of child soldiers, other people still need to contribute these child soldiers and their families by giving relief, food and shelter. Most importantly, people need to make them believe that they are cared by this world, and they are not invisible.

Works Cited

Beah, Ishmael. A Long Way Gone: Memoirs of a Boy Soldier. Waterville, ME: Thorndike, 2007.          Print.

Beah, Ishmael. "The Making, and Unmaking, of a Child Soldier." Nytimes.com. The New                      York Times, 14 Jan. 2007. Web. 19 Mar. 2012.                                                                                                                                 <http://www.nytimes.com/2007/01/14/magazine/14soldier.t.html?pagewanted=

              1&_r=1&ei=5089&en=18db63db3854257e&ex=1326430800&partner=

              rssyahoo&emc=rss&adxnnlx=?>.

Browne, L. Dallas. “Sierra Leone: Lasting Peace or a Cruel Mirage?” History Behind the                                     Headlines: The Origins of Conflicts Worldwide. Ed. Sonia G. Benson.

              Vol. 4. Detroit: Gale Group, 2002. Student Resource Center – Gold. Thomson Gale.                             Alameda Free Library. 19 April. 2008.

              <http://find.galegroup.com/srcx/retrieve>

Briggs, Jimmie. Innocents Lost: When Child Soldiers Go to War. New York: Basic, 2005. Print.

Grossman, Lev. "Pop Culture Finds Lost Boys." Time. Time, 02 Feb. 2007. Web. 19 Mar. 2012.           <http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0%2C9171%2C1584807%2C00.html>.