Yajing Zhang
Peer
critique for Brenda Mendez
Voice/Tone
Obviously, your voice is really show in this
article. It is strong though. After I read ,I can see your voice and your
wishes. I also can feel you sensation about how poverty makes people more
torture. Because you went the homeless shelter before, so that's why you can
know their life.
Audience:
The audience is very widely around. This essay is
for everyone who concerned and care about these invisible people. The audience
who want help these people to be visible.
Evidence:
Actually, it is very good to explain your own
feeling, but I think is too much things from yourself. Maybe you should add
more examples to your essay in order to make your feeling more strong. Like,
maybe you can tell some story about homeless people. Also, I think you should
add some sources to support your opinions. The requirement is must have
four-five outside sources.
Meaning:
It is really make sense I think, the point is you
write your own feeling very deeply. After I read, I can think something about
your essay, to make me very moved about what you said in the essay.
Structure:
The structure is good, but I think you should work
on your thesis statement. You can make your thesis statement more accurate . It
is very good that you didn't forgot " How space defines people." You
wrote a lot about how space defines people, that is very impressive. In
addition, the requirement is 1200 words, I think you should write more about
your homeless shelter experiences
Organization:
The essay is well-organized , but make sure that
make it clear to let readers know body paragraphs. The body paragraphs is kind
of fall apart. Write more about what is bad side and what is good side.
Overall thought:
Overall, your essay has emotion I think, because it
makes me impressive after I read it. I cannot forget what your feeling about
poverty. I think you should focus more on homeless people, write more about
them, like, to describe them dresses and their feeling.
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